On finding the courage to quit a job

Dear Sarah,

I am in the middle of making a lot of changes in my life and one of them is quitting my job. The problem is I am so bad at doing it. This isn't a current problem, I have always had this same problem. I have had bosses yell at me, tell me they are disappointed in me and pretty much say I shouldn't except a reference from them. Its not that I am a bad worker, I think it is the opposite, I work so hard to be a good worker they depend of me to much.

I have been at my current job for a year and one-month and plan on quitting two months from now. I would like to tell her this week so she can have plenty of time to find a replacement, but I just can't find the courage to do it. She has told me in the past, she is "so lucky to have me" and that she would "fall apart" if she didn't. I don't know why this is so hard for me but I feel so guilty disappointing people, especially my employers.

I will be in a car with her for three hours on Wednesday and I would like to tell her then. Can you give me advice on how to quit my job? I want to do it in a way that is respectful but confident. My stomach is already turning just thinking about it.

Thanks,
Give me courage!

Dear Give me Courage,

Being able to stand up for yourself, and to communicate to yourself, friends, family, loved ones, and employers your needs and wants is going to be your most important asset as an adult. However, it is the hardest thing that you are going to learn.

Quitting your job is never going to be easy. Especially if you realize that your boss depends on you too much, however my advice is that you should just be honest with your boss. Explain to her why you want to leave, and let her know that the career you want to be doing is not the path that her organization is taking you.

Truthfully, you have to take care of yourself because if you are not taking care of yourself no one else will take care of you. I am not advocating that you be disrespectful or leave people inconvenienced, but I am advocating that you do what makes you happy. No boss is ever going to tell you to move on to another company because there is no way that they want to train someone else.

My advice for Wednesday is to just tell your boss the truth, and to stand your ground. Learning to be direct is very hard, but in the end it I can be extremely rewarding. Attempting to deceive someone only ends up coming back to get you in the end. You do not owe your boss or any person your happiness. Perhaps learning to be satisfied where you are is something that you (and I) have to learn, but personal life satisfaction is something that you owe yourself. You do not have to work in a job you do not enjoy or for a boss you do not like.

Courage, please do what is best for you and quit this job on Wednesday. Find your inner strength, and not allow a moment of awkwardness to trap you in an unhappy job!

Yours,
Sarah

Please forgive me

Sorry to all people who chose to read this blog because I have been away. I am sorry. Please note that I have written a new post below regarding being friends with an ex-paramour.

I will try to update this blog this week! Please continue to send questions to whatsarahsays@gmail.com.

Thanks,
Sarah

On situational judgement and exes

Dear Sarah-

A couple of months ago, a friend of mine found out a deep, dark, very unflattering secret about me. The friend was snooping and basically found out something stupid I'd been doing. The friend shouldn't've been snooping. The friend then mentioned, via a blogpost, about finding out a deep, dark, very unflattering secret about someone. Very inspecific. I knew right away that said friend was talking about me and had been snooping, so I confronted my friend about it. The friend confirmed the snooping and the knowledge of my secret. The friend then apologized for snooping and expressed a desire never to speak about the secret again.

Of course, that hasn't been the end of things. For one thing, the friend lately joked about doing the very thing that I was being so secretive about--and then said how silly that thing was, how that thing was something my friend would never consider doing. Maybe my friend wasn't thinking of my secret at all. But who the fuck knows. You see, my friend is someone I dated about six million years ago. Maintaining my friend's good opinion is more important to me than it probably should be. Since my deep, dark, very unflattering secret has come to light; we've been kind of distant. Phone calls and emails have become less frequent, and the conversations we have become a bit stilted. Maybe that's normal, given that we used to date and don't anymore. Maybe it's really healthy, even. But I can't help but feel like there's something unresolved, given that our last "real" conversation was about something my friend never wanted to discuss again.

So. Should I let this slide? Just accept the chillier, less frequent contact as the natural order of things? Or should I try to maintain a sense of normalcy and ignore the whole thing? Call or email my friend with the same regularity as before? Or should I try to force a conversation on the subject? I don't want to subject my friend to an unwelcome conversation unnecessarily, because, sheesh, we're not dating and neither one as responsible for "talking things through" as we once were. But, on the other hand, we've always been pretty close, even when we haven't been dating.

So, Sarah dear, what the hell?

Sincerely,
me

Dear Me,

I have been attempting to think of a wonderful answer to your question. However, I am going to do my best.

In my opinion, it is very difficult to stay friends with someone you have dated. I know from my own personal experience that I have struggled and struggled with the boy that I used to date/love. Mostly because friendship dances so closely on the line of love, and the line of commitment, and most of us who have dated someone for a significant period of time had a love that was akin to friendship. Therefore, friendship and love can become very confusing. Also, once love has worn off (so to speak) you can then begin to see this person you used to be so romantically involved without the rose-colored glasses. With this new point of view—this person seems to look more and more like a jerk. Or someone you would never date, much less be friends with.

However, I believe that I digress. In this situation, you have to decide if you want to put in the effort to be friends with this person. Recently I had an experience where a friend of mine did something I did not agree with, and I had to decide to continue to be this person’s friend. The thing really was that, though what my friend had done was something that I did not agree with, for only a moment I could only see what my friend had done. I could no longer see my friend, only the decision that had been made. Lucky for me, my friend forgave me for my situational judgment, and we continue to be great friends.

Your friend is having a case of situational judgment, and this friend may not be willing to move past your action. This friend may only see you for what you have done, and not how that equates to you as person—a WHOLE person. If this is a person who truly wants what is best for you—then perhaps they would attempt to understand why you had made the decisions you have made. My hope is that you are able to communicate to yourself why you have made these decisions.

I do not have an exact answer for you, friend. However, I will say something that a wise English teacher said to me in high school. “When someone shows you who they are believe them.” Your friend may be showing you with his actions (I use “his” as the pronoun for male/female) who he really is.

The sad truth about life is that sometimes friendships fade away, and even if you want to hang on to them, it just is not going to work.

I hope that my advice is at least somewhat helpful.

Yours,
Sarah

Regarding a friend's child who may have Autism

Dear Sarah,

I am recently becoming more and more convinced that my good friend's 25 month old son might have autism. I have talked with her in the past about speech delays, because they are concerned about that and it is the most obvious issue, but there are also the signs of sensory processing problems. We talked about that too, but they don't seem to pick up on those signs or think they are a very big deal. They have looked into therapy for him, mainly for speech, but they have to pay the deductible of $500 before insurance would kick in and decided it was not worth it. They seem to think he is just a little behind. They also have talked with a family friend who is a doctor and the Parents as Teachers rep, and both told them to wait until he is three because it is too early and a lot of kids talk late. That made me really frustrated because those are both supposedly authorities who don't really know the kid and are telling them that there is no reason to worry.

They have told me that they don't want to overreact if there is nothing really wrong with him. I have brought up the issue several times, but haven't mentioned the word Autism, because I feel that it is such a touchy subject and may be a shock to them. Now that they seem content to wait a whole year to get help for their son, I feel it is more important to convince them just how bad I think the situation is. He is showing more and more red flags all the time, and I think the sooner they get help the better.

I don't want them to be offended or think I am being too pushy, but I really feel I need to discuss it with them again. What should I do?

Sincerely,
Concerned About Friend’s Child

Dear Concerned,

I have thought a lot about your question. This is a very difficult place to be in, and I believe that best approach is a very sensitive and loving one.

Without knowing specifically what your professional background is I find that it is difficult to know how to instruct you. However, for the sake of argument I would like to assume that because you were able to identify issues listed at the beginning of the email that you are familiar with Autism.

I personally do not know what age a child can be diagnosed with Autism. However, I am concerned that the parents are not getting the correct pediatric attention for this child. I wonder if they have expressed to the child’s doctor that he is delayed in speech.

My advice is that if you are a professional and you have experience with Autism, then you should talk to your friends. You explain that you believe their son may have Autism and this is why. You also explain that is very difficult for you to tell them because you are their friend, and you do not want to be wrong.

In the State of Texas, we have an organization called Early Childhood Intervention (ECI) this organization is designed to go into the homes of children who are under three and work with the children. This organization helps to diagnose children with these types of disorders and/or prepare the children for going to school. Perhaps there is an organization similar in your state.

I can only imagine how difficult it will be to approach friends regarding this subject. I believe though that if you are qualified, and know something regarding this topic that you should approach it with love and tell them what you think. Even if the child does not have Autism, they might be glad to begin having his issues looked at sooner.

If you are not a professional or have no experience with this topic, then I would suggest you leave it alone. I would recommend that you encourage them to speak with the child’s pediatrician regarding the speech issues.

I hope my advice helps.

Yours,
Sarah

On a friend who wants more than friendship

Dear Sarah,

I have what some might call a diplomacy problem.

A friend of mine, who I've known since last year, has been acting as though he wants to be more than friends. This is what he does: he will put his arm around me, will kiss me on the cheek only after I prevent him from kissing me on the mouth, stands and sits close to me (almost uncomfortably so).

He and I have already had one DTR (define the relationship) conversation where I made it clear that all I wanted was friendship... and made sure he understood what I was saying because I asked him to repeat back to me what he felt like I was saying. This seems to have only inoculated the problem rather than solve it. Also, whenever he does those things I listed above, I am quick to take his arm off of me or politely back away to keep my proximity.

I do not know if I should talk with him again about this or just keep putting him in check when he does these things. He is an interesting guy who I love spending time with... but I have zero romantic feelings for him. Since he is a good friend, I do not want to be an ass about it or embarrass him... nor do I want to just stop answering his calls and texts and stop hanging out with him.

What would you do?

Sincerely,
Not So Fabulous in Dallas

Not So Fabulous,

Wow, it seems like you have found yourself in a difficult place.

I am curious about the part of your email in which you discussed having a DTR with you friend, and you made your friend repeat back what you were saying. It does not seem that your friend understand what he was repeating back, so perhaps English is not his first language?

It sounds to me like although your friend has feelings for you that your friend does respect your feelings. Therefore, my advice would be to stop hanging out with your friend one-on-one or hanging out with this person at all. You stated in your email that you do not want to stop being friends with this person, that is understandable, but what is important to understand is this is not an issue of diplomacy as you stated above—this is an issue of respect. Your friend does not respect your feelings.

I would not say to your friend, “I don’t feel the same way as you,” I would say, “If you cannot treat me as though we are ‘just friends’ then we can no longer hang out.” Then I would follow-up with my plan.

It can be very difficult to have feelings for someone who just wants to be friends. I know that this can be a sensitive topic, but I want you to explore why you continue to hang out with this person. The answer may be that you enjoy this attention. What attracts you to this person as a friend, but not as someone you want to be more than friends with? It is completely understandable not to want to be lovers with someone, but if this person so blatantly ignores your feelings then what is the purpose of being friends?

I have a friend who says that we can break-up with friends just as we do with boyfriends/girlfriends, and it is okay to do so. Remember that you do not have to be friends with someone just because they want to be friends with you.

I hope that helps.

Yours,
Sarah

On Heartbreak

I want to thank everyone that has written to What Sarah Says. Please keep sending me questions, and tell your friends about sending me questions. Everyone has problems.

Today, I wanted to write about heartbreak. There are many views about heartbreak, but when your heart is broken for any reason at all then there is no up from down—there is only the perpetual down.

I had never known what pain was until my heart was broken. A boy broke it, but romantic love is not the only thing that breaks people’s hearts. Death is a big one, loss of a friend, a major catastrophe—the list goes on and on. I believe that the important thing to remember about heartbreak is that eventually the feeling numbs, and although you will be numb for along time—eventually you will feel again.

What we forget in our pain is that what we are feeling is normal. For whatever reason we are not taught that suffering is apart of our own personal human condition. When people suffer from heartbreak, people tend to stay away or expect people to hurry through their pain. I do believe that there is a plan for my life, and your life—however I do not believe that saying that to someone in heartbreak is the right response.

What you feel after something has ripped your heart out, and you feel like each breath you take is just another tiny arrow to your heart—this is all normal, and you will move on when you are ready. You will eventually go one day without thinking about the person/event at least four times an hour, and then you will be sad about that. You will go a day and not think about person/event at all, and you will feel sad about that. Then you will go a month without thinking about the person/event, and you will feel sad for forgetting.

Then it will be five years later, you will think about it, you will see it from all sides and you will feel sad about that. Nevertheless, somewhere in there—somewhere in all the bad feelings and hazy thoughts and blood shot eyes—you will find you again

Remember do not rush yourself to move on. That is too high of an expectation. I do not think you need to hope to move on. When my heart was broken, I kept waking up begging myself to feel different. However, the solution was to acknowledge what I felt, and just go from there. What I felt was love. I felt such a huge amount of love, and no one to share love with. Then I felt anger and sadness over that. Then I felt alone. So alone, and I did not want to feel those things, but what I should have done is to say to myself "I have a right to hurt" and then let myself. I think I made it worse for myself by not accepting that I had the right to be sad, so I had my sadness and guilt at the same time I wanted to be okay for myself, but other people too. I hated being sad.

Losing love is a horrible place to be. I know most days you won’t know how you got out of bed that morning. That is okay. Just remember that time does heal wounds. The wonderful and terrible thing about life is that it happens everyday, and that we can’t stop it.

Please write to me if you need help with your heartache. I have been there before. You are not alone.

Yours,
Sarah

On Getting a Job Somewhere Else

Dear Sarah,

My chosen profession will pretty much never make me wealthy. I don't mind this. Much. But, it's a difficult field with much uncertainty surrounding it. They, the people, the man, are always saying it's going to go away forever. This makes me sad, but for the time being I guess I will stay in it. So, here's my question: I have always wanted to write about the arts and I also have always wanted to live in cooler places than my current city. By cooler, I mean more awesome, not cold. I have been at my job for almost a year. Do I apply for a job in a city where I don't want to stay if it's the sort of thing I've always wanted to do? My fiancé and I have traveling on the brain, but for now, we're here. What would you do?

Thanks,
Employed but Uncertain

Dear Employed,

Moving can be very difficult, and it takes a lot of energy. I know because I just recently moved, and it was very exhausting. However, I have been very happy with my decision to move, and happy with where I am living. Here are list of things you should consider when thinking about moving.

Will you be happier and why?
Is there availability to be promoted?
Will you make more money?
Will your company pay for you to move?
If not, how will you pay for moving?
Does your fiancé want to move?
Will your fiancé be able to find a job in the location?
Will your fiancé like what jobs that can be found?
What will you and/or your fiancé do if you do not like the jobs that you moved to the city for?

This list isn’t necessary a list to say that if you answer yes or no to any question that the right or wrong answer is there—it is just a list to get you thinking.

If you believe that you will be happier, and that the direction that you want your career to go is on the path of writing about the arts—then I think you should get serious about considering the job. Go ahead and apply. Why not? Take the interview, find out the details, and then make your decision. However, do not begin applying unless you are serious about considering the offer to move somewhere else.

Good luck, and I hope that you find what you are looking for.

Yours,
Sarah